A Poetry-Romance Book Series—What It Is and Why I Wrote It

imagine—

you’re addicted to another person, you’re infatuated and obsessed

you know it’s not love, but it’s feels like nothing less

than your world revolving around them like the earth spinning around the sun

you need them for survival, but they’re just here for the fun

they like you and they get you and you have good conversations,

not to mention getting tangled up in the sheets in the early hours of the morning

you’re getting more attached every time, but they’re also with other people

they’ve always been open and honest, you both know you have no future here,

but when you’re wrapped up in their arms, everything else in the world disappears,

that’s why you need them and you want them, if only they would stay

if only you could stay, because on your own, you’re dying a little more each day

you’re tortured when you’re with them and when you’re not, either way, you’re locked in this paradise,

locked in this pain

Have you ever felt this way? Have you ever been addicted to the very thing that was killing you? They didn’t mean to hurt you—they were open about what they wanted, and so were you. Except that you were scared to get hurt. You were scared to hold on, but you were also scared to let go, and now you’re stuck in the middle, and you don’t know where to go.

That’s where I found myself at age twenty-five, hooked on a guy who I couldn’t get over for my life. We’d never fully been together, but I couldn’t bear to be apart. There was unrest in my soul and a fight to the death between my mind and my heart. I kept trying to move forwards, but I kept going back, feeling like he cared less, while I needed him more, until I was emotionally starved and exhausted and falling apart.

I talked to my girlfriends, to acquaintances, and a surprisingly high percentage of them had been through the same thing, stuck on a guy who was the only one that they wanted, while being the glaring opposite of what they needed. They made excuses for him, they went back to him, even when he treated them like “shite”. And even though he was careless and distant, when he made even the shadow of an effort, they wanted him to spend the night.

With my own heart still hurting from the one I knew I shouldn’t be with, I tried to understand why so many women are stuck in situations like this. Surely it happens to men too, but they don’t seem nearly as susceptible, whereas with us, as soon as our hearts get hooked, we’re in the “went down with the ship” kind of trouble.

I didn’t know what was addicting me, I didn’t know what I wanted from this man. He was the exact opposite of what I was looking for, but the way he made me feel was something else. He was my safe place, my happy drug, even though he was mainly interested in sex, while I was looking for love. But he touched something inside me that felt so deep, so instinctual, I couldn’t help but believe that we were meant to be something more.

I began to pen my struggles in 2018, to try and figure out how to get out, to provide a handbook for anyone else who was also battling their demons and not feeling loved, not feeling cared for, all the while feeling confused and crazy for continuously pulling their hair out, trying to make things work.

My original plan was to write a self-help book where I told snippets of my story, and then I discovered the world of self publishing where the best way to market is with a book series. But I didn’t just want a sparkly marketing plan, I wanted to help people like me, and I didn’t just want to tell snippets, I wanted to tell the whole story. I wanted to dive into the trauma bonds, the inner child wounds, the emotional addiction and every other relevant piece of psychology. I wanted to tell a romantic story, but not the kind you read about in Harlequin, where the bad boy magically turns into a perfect gentleman and the toxic “I can’t live without you” kind of addiction always wins.

I wanted to tell a love story that was realistic, in which the bad boy stays bad, in which the feelings that seem like true love are really emotional addiction and drugs and subconscious habits, in which self-love is the goal, but no one knows exactly what it is or how to do it, in which the protagonist isn’t saved by Prince Charming—she’s the one who has to do it.

Romance novels, especially Harlequin, often include quite a bit of sex, but I decided that my books would be different than anything I’d ever read. They would tell the naked truth about all the steamy things that were hot, but also about the things that were not, like when he didn’t chew gum or when he was too rough, or when she was missing someone else and not turned on, when she felt pressured in regards to “The Big O” and didn’t know how to get off.

This series has a three-pronged thesis statement: 1) Explore the psychology of emotional addiction, 2) Break the Prince Charming cliche, 3) Portray sex and romance in an open and realistic way. This is my personal life story, based on my diaries, told through explicit poems and notes to lovers and friends who meant a lot to me. It’s not the type of series I’ve seen anywhere else, but I write what I’d like to read, and if it nudges at your soul, you’re welcome to check it out here, for a free Sneak Peek until April 13th when I release the first three books in the 10+ book series. I’d love to hear what you think.

Until next time—thanks for reading.